STAR
Cover: It's kind of a rebuilding week for the tabloids — no one can even muster up a fake Jennifer Aniston pregnancy — so we're left with the fact that Suri Cruise might not have seen daddy Tom Cruise in four years. You know how it is, co-parents: your other kids, your movie career, Jamie Foxx and Xenu always get in the way.
The Juice is loose: O.J. Simpson wants to reconnect with his rumoured children, Khloe and Rob Kardashian. O.J., stay away from that family — you have your reputation to think about.
Roots ripoff: Garth Brooks has a five-volume autobiography coming out. The bad news: nothing very racy has ever happened to him. The good news: they'll at least all be out before that next George R.R. Martin book.
Too many cooks: Every TV chef hates every other one and Star rounds up the tart words. Best line inevitably goes to Anthony Bourdain, who says Guy Fieri is what you'd get "if Ed Hardy f---ed a Juggalo."
US
Cover: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have spawned a son, and she says he did his bit during labour by surrounding her with $27,000 worth of crystals. So really, he's the hero of this story. She says the newborn is "perfect ... I find myself crying just looking at him," but, grain of salt, she once felt that way about Spencer Pratt.
Screen player: Justin Bieber's new girlfriend — Ballers actress Paola Paulin — answers the biggest question in showbiz: Who on earth watches Ballers?
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Their marriage was on the rocks, LGBTQ activists were mad at them (for never featuring a same-sex couple's home) and Christian activists were too (for partnering with the discount demon-lords at Target). So Fixer Upper hosts Chip and Joanna Gaines are walking away, leaving us with only 150 similar programs.
Empty womb: Having claimed she was with child in the past, the mag now concedes that Gwen Stefani isn't pregnant but at age 48 is trying for twins. Can't wait for the octuplet rumours four years from now.
Jost a fling: Saturday Night Live's Colin Jost — New Yorker contributor and Harvard grad — is still seeing Scarlett Johansson but is keeping it casual, just to see how bitterly envious he can make me.
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